Thursday 9 March 2017

Which Old Friendships Are Worth Hanging On To?

6 tips for separating the keepers from losers — and enriching your life in the process


Make New Friends; Keep the Old?

By midlife, many of us are blessed, or saddled, with long-standing relationships that ebb, flow and often lack vitality — and sometimes even appeal.

“A lot of friendships are ‘situational’ to begin with,” explains Irene S. Levine, Ph.D., a psychiatry professor at the NYU Langone School of Medicine. We meet people at work, then get a new job and don’t have time to socialize with old colleagues. The people we clicked with while our children were little — often the parents of their friends — no longer share our interests. No wonder we consider letting go of these lapsed or sporadic relationships.

From childhood on, we’re taught friendship is golden. Yet as Levine notes, “some friendships take more effort than they are worth.” So how can we determine which to let fall to the wayside and which to nurture?

Bonnie Cohen, a certified life and relationship coach, says that decision starts with an assessment of the personal value of our connections. More important than how long we’ve known someone, she says, is how they make us feel today.

She says you can quickly assess that value by asking yourself these three questions: “When I’m with a certain person or conversing, do I feel drained or uplifted? Does that friend only talk about herself or does she show genuine interest in me? Do we share values?”

Maggie Dunsmore (names have been changed), a high school teacher in Stamford, Conn., recently let two long-term friendships fade away because she finally realized that spending time with these people left her feeling irritated and unhappy.

“One man, a former colleague, had gotten friendly with my husband and me," she said. "He and his wife got divorced about five years ago and ever since, whenever we’d meet, he’d spend the whole visit complaining about his ex-wife, even though she and I are still friendly. He was so negative and unpleasant that I decided it would be best to get him out of my life.”

The second person Dunsmore “unfriended” was someone she’d met in Lamaze class decades before. “I realized that for 25 years, Stacey had been playing competition games about whose children were smarter. Lately she had gotten into comparing how much money our kids made. After two unreturned emails, she stopped contacting me. Frankly, I’m relieved.”

Levine reminds her patients that friendships are voluntary and that midlife is a perfect time for getting rid of things that no longer suit you. “Unless the person is an unavoidable co-worker or relative, there is no reason to work on a relationship that leaves you unfulfilled.”

Making Friendships Count

Once you allow yourself to let go of friendships that no longer bring you joy, you’ll have more time and energy to devote to the ones that do. And a more vigorous pursuit of intriguing new connections can mitigate any unease you feel about jettisoning relationships that bog you down. These six tips can help you strengthen the ties that bind.   

  • Fit friends into your routines. Do you like to jog in the morning or take the dog for a walk? It’s likely that one of your new friends has the same routine. “I’ve found that inviting a pal to join my walk in the park gives me a chance to keep up with people I might not have time to see otherwise,” says Sarah Rich, a Manhattan playwright. “It also means that the exercise is more aerobic because we’re talking while moving briskly. That’s what I call friends with benefits.”
  • Nurture common interests. Almost every local cultural or educational institution offers free or low-cost classes, so sign up with a friend. “I never thought I’d become a bird-watching fiend,” says Norma Price, a semi-retired nurse in Fort Worth, Tex. “Birding seemed pretty boring. I only took the course at the bird sanctuary because a friend ‘forced’ me to. Now I have a new hobby, plus she and I have become better friends.”
  • Grow your nest. “The concept of family is continually being redefined,” notes Levine. “If a friend you don’t see often is alone on a holiday or a weekend because her relatives are far away, invite her into your family. This is how friendships flourish.”
  • Have quick chats to stay connected. “Even if you don’t have time for a long talk,” suggests Levine, “just call a friend while she’s on your mind. If you put it off now, you’ll probably put it off later too.” Quick catch-ups allow you to “be there” for breaking news. Short but sweet check-ins add an immediacy to a friendship.
  • Go away together. While luncheon dates and 15-minute phone chats are great for catching up on news, they don strengthen connections and create new memories. Levine suggests taking a trip together — as a duo or group, like your college buddies — to reinforce the ties that brought you together in the first place
  • Get old-fashioned. Cohen is a big fan of snail mail. “Virtual is great, but a handwritten note goes deeper," she says. "You’re sending not just your words, but a piece of yourself. You’ve chosen the card, touched the paper, signed your name and licked the stamp. A message you send through the mail literally contains your DNA.” Most important, of course, are the words, so take the time to write a thoughtful letter.

Different Kinds of Friends

Ultimately, says Cohen, friends play different roles in our lives. She advises her clients to appreciate and celebrate the deliciousness of each one.
 

(MORE: The Joys of New Friends)

Conversations Matter - Advance Care Planning

The following information is from MyHealth.Alberta.ca, the Alberta Health Services website that will help you to understand the concept of Advance Care Planning. 

What is advance care planning? 

Advance care planning is a way to help you think about, talk about, and document your wishes for chealthcare. It’s a process that can help you make healthcare decisions now and for the future.

What are the benefits?

If there’s a time when you aren’t able to speak for yourself, it’s important that your loved ones and your healthcare team understand your wishes for healthcare.
None of us know what tomorrow might bring, or know how our health will be in the future. Planning today makes sure that your wishes are known, no matter what the future holds.
Advance care planning may bring comfort and peace of mind to you, your family, and to those who may have to make healthcare decisions on your behalf.

Who is it for?

Everyone. We can all benefit from advance care planning. If there’s an unexpected event or change in your health and you aren’t able to make decisions about your healthcare, planning ahead makes sure that your wishes are known.

Be brave enough to start 

a conversation that matters.

When is a good time to start?

Now. It’s important to start talking about your wishes now, before you have a health crisis.
“I want my family to know my feelings about my future health care. That way, if they’re faced with making decisions on my behalf they’ll have peace of mind.”
Imagine that you’re badly injured in a car crash. You’re in the hospital intensive care unit and aren’t able to communicate. Your heartbeat and breathing can only continue with the help of machines and medicine (artificial support). Your doctors believe you likely won’t recover.
Imagine that you’re not able to make decisions for yourself anymore. You no longer know who you are, who your family members are, or what happens from one moment to the next. You will never be able to communicate meaningfully with others.
Imagine you have an illness that’s getting worse despite treatment and you’re nearing the end of your life.
An unexpected or sudden medical event can leave you unable to say what your healthcare wishes are. Other medical conditions may slowly take away your ability to communicate or make decisions about your healthcare. 
This is why another important step in the advance care planning process is to choose and legally appoint someone who can speak for you in case you’re not able to. This person would be your agent.
NextAvenue has a great article called, "How to Talk to Your Grown Kids About Your Mortality". It's worth a read.
Tom Brokaw's conversation with his daughter about his wishes for his end-of-life care is an excellent video.



Documenting your wishes
In a medical emergency, a Goals of Care Designation guides your healthcare team to provide timely care that best reflects your health condition, the treatments that will benefit you, and your own wishes and values.
Decisions about Goals of Care designations usually come up through conversations between you, your agent or loved ones, and your healthcare team.
It helps to think and talk about your own wishes for healthcare in case you’re ever not able to tell your loved ones or healthcare team what your wishes are. If you became really sick tomorrow, would your loved ones or healthcare team know what your wishes were?
Alberta Health Services has provided lots of information on issues related to Advance Care Planning. We would all be wise to take some time to reflect on our wishes for health care and end of life care, and to communicate this to our family or supportive friends.

Thursday 21 July 2016

2016 Workshops and Presentations



Over the past five years I have developed a number of workshops and presentations for those who are approaching or living in retirement.

Please contact me at bcavers210@gmail.com or 403-553-2973 for information about upcoming events or speaking engagements.





Retire to the Life You Design 

Are you curious about what you will do with your time when you retire?

Are you feeling a little nervous about the transition but also excited about what is possible with your new freedom? 

Are you looking for new fulfilment and meaning in your life?

Would you like to know how to design a life unique to you?

Through our process and tools, you begin to create a plan to retire to the life that you design yourself, a retirement unique to you. In a three-hour workshop you will discover:

  • Your core needs for personal fulfillment
  • The Six Circles of Life for achieving balance in your mind, body, and spirit.
  • Numerous and diverse leisure and volunteer activities that match your interests and skills
This workshop will help you to connect you connect who you are with possibilities for your future. It will equip you with tools, models, information and resources to help you continue your exploration and discovery after the workshop ends.

Facilitator: Barbara Cavers, B.A. M. Ed.
Workshop length: 3 -5 hours



Achieving Balance 

in the Second Half of Life

Learn how you can:
  • Achieve balance in your mind, body, and spirit.
  • Focus on the future, on possibilities and potential.
  • Design a personally meaningful and fulfilling future.
Facilitator: Barbara Cavers, B.A. M. Ed.
Workshop length: 60-120 minutes



Designing Your Legacy: How do you want to be remembered?
How do you want to be remembered? 
What difference do you want to make in the world?

This workshop includes:
  • over a dozen ways to create a legacy: wide ranging opportunities from legacy gifts of money, property or family treasures, to legacies of leadership or memories
  • the importance of sharing your legacy values, goals, and intentions with your family and supportive friends.
  • seven key strategies in legacy planning.

Facilitator: Barbara Cavers, B.A. M. Ed.
Workshop length: 60-90 minutes



Downsizing Your Home
What kind of home do you envision 
for the next phase of your life?
  • Explore the many options for housing that will meet your current and future needs.
  • Find the right balance between independence and community, challenge and risk.
  • Learn how to reduce stress and conflict in working with your children – or your parents.
  • Get some tips on how to deal with sentimental objects.
Facilitator: Barbara Cavers, B.A. M. Ed.
Workshop length: 60-90 minutes



Downsizing:
What makes it hard
and how to get through it.

All those memories . . .

All those things . . .

Someone could use this . . .


Eliminating clutter can lower your stress level, save time and help you to appreciate what you have. It’s a gift to yourself, and to your family, relieving them of the burden of handling all of the possessions that you have acquired through your lifetime.
  • Learn how to get started, and how to keep going.
  • Explore strategies for sorting, gifting, selling and donating your ‘treasures’.
  • Learn the benefits of decluttering and organizing your home.
Facilitator: Barbara Cavers, B.A. M. Ed.
Workshop length: 60 minutes

Monday 27 June 2016

16 Weeks to Plan the Rest of Your Life


Steve Vernon, of CBS MoneyWatch, wrote a series of excellent articles about retirement planning that may be helpful to you as you plan for a healthy, secure and happy retirement. 

As Vernon says, "Planning for a period of your life that can last 20, 30 or even 40 years is a complex and significant task. When you begin planning for retirement, it's understandable to feel confused and overwhelmed; it might even be hard to know where to start. There's a lot to learn, and you'll need to make many important decisions that have a critical impact on your future. And given the challenges we face regarding our retirement years, it makes sense that you'll need to devote some time and effort to figure out how to survive -- even thrive -- in the years to come."

Vernon's articles describe retirement planning steps you can take each week. Each post contains links to additional articles for further reading, so you can control how much detail you want to read.

Although he planned for a 16-week exploration, you can pace yourself to take the time you need and fit the steps into your schedule. When you're ready for each week's steps, the posts will still be there. And you don't need to follow the weeks in order; you have the flexibility to pick and choose the topics that are most relevant for you.

This post contains links to the entire series. Some of the topics that are most relevant to Canadians are:

·      Trends, strategies and a new vision for retirement
·      Planning for your life expectancy
·      What kind of retirement do you want?
·      Get the right help that you need
·      Invest in your health
·      Take inventory
·      Will you work in retirement?
·      Social Security basics
·      Investing strategies for retirement
·      Manage your living expenses
·      Where will you live?
·      Addressing the long-term care threat
·      Make the numbers work

"As you can see, you'll have to do a lot of homework to properly plan your retirement. Some people find it helpful to form small study groups, so they can share the legwork and kick around ideas. Don't forget to include your spouse or partner in your planning. It always helps to discuss things with people who care about you and are in the same boat.

And don't be surprised if it takes you longer than 16 weeks to complete all the steps. Even if it takes you six months, remember that you're planning the most important part of your life: your rest-of-life! Take the time to put good plans in place for a healthy and secure retirement so you can relax and focus on the things that are really important to you."                                                         Steve Vernon, 2013.

Saturday 6 February 2016

Say goodbye to your workplace in style!

A Canadian high school teacher said goodbye to her teaching career with lots of pizzaz! 


Shirley Clements, a 60 year old dance teacher announced her retirement in 2014 at a high school in Canada.
She created ‘Outbreak’, an annual dance competition at the school. 
To celebrate her retirement, she and her students danced to Bruno Mars’ “Uptown Funk” and the choreography had me cheering! She shows us that age is just a number!!

Click to watch this short video

Friday 15 January 2016

NEW! Downsizing Workshop - Thursday, February 12


Are you looking for a way to make a difference?


Climate Leadership Program - Applications due January 24th
The Climate Leadership Program is intended to engage keen citizens in leadership training to explore and drive low-carbon activities in their workplaces and communities.
It will be a five-weekend intensive program for folks 25 years old and up. The program's aim is to develop climate leadership in sectors outside the traditional climate movement.  Participants will learn a mix of the skills taught in the full-length Next Up program, along with details of Alberta's climate policy, and how to apply these in creating and supporting climate justice within their personal areas of action.
Applications are due by 11pm on January 24th. The application and further program info are available here.

Source:
Public Interest Alberta 
January 14, 2016 - E-Newsletter