Survival Guide for Couples Who Are Always Together

In my workshops, people sometimes say that one of the things that concerns them is how to adjust to spending more time with their spouse. During our work lives, we established routines and expectations that may change as we adjust to our new retirement lifestyle. 

I just read a good article by Bonnie Goldstein, who says that "many couples find their rhythms suddenly disrupted and the dynamics of their relationship radically altered when the last child leaves the house — or one of them accepts a buyout or starts working from home. Decades of relating to each other as co-parents or working around career schedules abruptly shifts, and suddenly they fall out of step in their well-rehearsed, tuneless dance. . . . Whatever the reason, when couples go from spending just a few hours together to nearly the entire day, they must improvise a fresh script for act three. They need to establish new boundaries, cultivate a reinvented vocabulary, (and) learn to adjust priorities."

It's a thought-provoking article filled with things to think about, including the following tips for working through conflict.

Sherven and Sniechowski's 9 Steps to Working Through Marital Conflict

1. Define the issue by truthfully expressing what is disturbing you in as much detail as possible.
2. Feel your feelings and communicate them as honestly and openly as you can in the moment.
3. Remember that you care and that ongoing relationships are a mosaic composed of many facets. There’s more to your partner and your relationship than any single issue.
4. Beware of self-sabotage by noticing what’s going on inside you during the rough patches. Don’t allow old negative behavior patterns intrude on the present moment.
5. Be willing to change your mind and acknowledge that any issue can be understood and interpreted in a variety of ways.
6. Take personal responsibility by asking yourself how you’re contributing to an upsetting situation (i.e., it takes two to tangle).
7. Remember that your partner is not you and find ways to empathize with the other’s point of view.
8. Be consciously creative by holding the other in your consciousness as you want to be held.
9. Seek “both/and” solutions that work for both of you two different people.